Maybe Someday
by ParisWriter
Summary: Fenris spent the night with Hawke and walked out on her. Now he's forced to examine the state of his relationship with her after he goes to see her following the death of her mother and ends up leaving her all over again. (Fenris/F!Hawke)


Author's Note: Another story written for the Singing Hearts contest being held by the DA2 Rivalmance group on deviantART. The song which inspired this particular piece is Maybe Someday by The Cure. Definitely check it out on YouTube or wherever... it's a great song and _perfect_ for this story.

* * *

**Maybe Someday**

The sound of the fire crackling was deafening in the sparsely-furnished room. It should have been a soothing noise, but all it served to do was irritate Fenris further. It reminded him of the fire in her hearth that night, the one he had stared into for at least an hour as he struggled to reclaim the flashes of lost memories he had seen in that brief moment of perfect bliss he'd found in her arms.

He thought he'd done the right thing by walking away from her, then. He didn't want to relive the pain of having those memories back – only to lose them once more in the blink of an eye – every time they made love. He also knew that in letting himself get too close to her, he would make her an easy target for Danarius. He had no doubt that his master would one day return to claim him, but first he knew that sick bastard would get back at him for killing Hadriana by taking away someone he held dear, in return.

Yes... Keeping her at a distance was best for both of them.

It was too late, though. Whether he chose to admit it or not, he was already too far gone when it came to her. He still followed her around like a lovesick puppy, fighting at her side day after day as she took on bandits and blood mages and the occasional demon or darkspawn. He still found himself worrying about her and calling out her name whenever one of their attackers got the better of her and knocked her to the ground. He still got insanely jealous whenever she would show the slightest bit of kindness to the abomination, and he still found himself looking after her with longing in his heart whenever they parted ways. Worst of all, perhaps, he still wore that damn red scarf around his wrist.

He'd actually taken the strip of cloth from one of the sashes she wore around her waist – the very one she'd worn that day when they tracked down Hadriana, in fact. In a moment of stupid sentimentality, he'd tied the cloth around his wrist and vowed to never remove it for as long as he continued to breathe. It was a symbol of his devotion to her, even though he had decided they could no longer be together the way they had that night.

Now, whenever he looked at it, all he saw was her face... her heartbroken face as he told her they could not be together as she wished. Instead of the red silk he saw the tears in her eyes – tears she had only ever allowed him to see – threatening to fall even as he turned and walked away from her with only the barest murmur of an apology. Even so, he couldn't bring himself to remove it. His heart would always belong to her, broken and bruised as it was.

That was why he'd found himself in the doorway of her bedroom earlier. Her mother was gone, murdered by a deranged blood mage who was trying to recreate his dead wife. She had been devastated when the thing bearing her mother's face died in her arms, but she had not cried. She _couldn't_cry – not in front of the others. Her need to be strong for the sake of her family following her father's death had translated into a need to remain strong for the sake of her friends. He was the only one she had ever allowed to see her at her most vulnerable.

And so he had gone to her.

Bodahn had let him in without a word, and he had noticed the somber air permeating the entire household as soon as he walked in. Leandra was not there to greet him with a cheeky smile which told that she was well aware just how smitten he was with her daughter, and that one detail had served to change the entire environment of the mansion. No pleasantries were exchanged between him and the dwarf, and he did not need to tell Fenris where his mistress could be found. Fenris knew where to go and the only sound accompanying his footsteps as he neared the top of the stairs was the quiet weeping of Orana as she cleaned the room which had been Leandra's.

He'd been hesitant to go see Hawke, knowing full well what would likely happen, but the moment he saw her sitting all alone on her bed - staring blankly into the fire - he could hold himself back no longer. He went to her, tried to console her with his words, but no words seemed right for the situation. And so he instead took a seat next to her and quietly stared into the fire, as well.

It didn't take long for her demeanor to change. Not long after he found his place next to her, he felt the first tremble run through her body. It was soon followed by another, then a third, and finally she stopped trying to hold back and let out a heart-wrenching sob. Fenris immediately put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer, and she gripped the lapel of his coat so tightly he thought it might rip. They remained like that for several minutes – she crying uncontrollably as the grief of losing the only family she had left in Kirkwall finally hit her full-force and he holding her close and gently stroking her hair – until she finally pulled away to look up at him.

He didn't dare say anything, not that his mind would let him form the words as he looked at her. Her face was red and covered with tears, the dark makeup she wore around her eyes streaked down her cheeks, and there were still more tears in her eyes that she had yet to shed. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, in that moment. It reminded him of the first time she'd cried in his arms, after telling him about what happened to Carver in the Deep Roads, and how she'd confided in him that she had never allowed herself to cry in front of _anyone_before that day. The fact that she would allow only him see her at her weakest and most vulnerable of moments made him feel far more special than anything else ever could.

Before he could register what was happening, her lips were on his – desperate, hungry, seeking solace from the hell her life had become. Her scent surrounded him and he reveled in her warmth even as he tasted her tears upon her lips. It was their first kiss all over again, only she had initiated it this time. Despite his better judgment, he returned the kiss, wrapping his other arm around her and pulling her body closer to his own. She began teasing his lips with the tip of her tongue and he growled low in his throat as he claimed her mouth, relishing the small whimper she made as she reached up and threaded her fingers into his hair.

They continued kissing for a long time, the passion they had each been holding back for the past few months boiling over effortlessly. When Fenris finally pulled away, gasping heavily for breath, he was shocked to find that he had laid her back onto the bed at some point and now had his leg pressed firmly between her legs. His eyes moved to her face and he had to suppress the groan that threatened to crawl its way up out of his throat. She was breathing just as heavily as he was, her amber eyes half-lidded, dark red hair splayed out in a mess upon the pillow, her lips swollen from his kiss, and when her tongue darted out to briefly moisten those lips he felt the animal instinct rise up inside him.

"Fenris..." she whispered, and that one word was nearly his undoing. It was the first word either of them had spoken since he sat down next to her, and the way she said it had carried so much more meaning than merely his name.

_I want you. I need you. Take me. Please. I need this. Help me to forget the horrors I've witnessed by giving me the sort of pleasure only you can._

"I can't, Hawke," he replied, shutting his eyes tightly. As long as he didn't look at her, as long as he couldn't see the hurt he knew would be written on her face at this latest rejection from him, he would be safe – they would _both_be safe.

"Would you at least hold me?" she asked, her voice no longer that of the strong woman he had come to admire, but a frightened little girl who desperately didn't want to be left alone. Fenris dared to open his eyes and look at her once more, and found her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, afraid he was going to walk away and that would be the end of it.

With a sigh, he leaned forward and buried his face next to her head on the pillow, breathing her in deeply. He wanted nothing more than to give her what she truly wanted from him, to tell her how he felt about her, to relive that night they'd shared over and over and never let it end. He knew he couldn't, though. But at least he could give her this. He could be her comfort in the darkness of her life, just for one night.

He nodded against her shoulder and rolled over to lie next to her on the bed, disentangling himself from her in the process. She snuggled up next to him, resting her head against his chest and draping her arm across his waist, letting out a contented sigh.

"Try to get some sleep," he told her, reaching up to brush his fingers through her hair.

"That won't take long, if you keep doing what you're doing," she replied, her voice holding a hint of the usual cheekiness she had, and Fenris let out a quiet chuckle. She was grieving, now, but he knew she would be fine, in time.

He continued to run his fingers gently through her hair, pausing only when he thought he heard her murmur the words, "I love you," then continued once more until she finally fell asleep. Once her breathing had slowed and evened out, he carefully wrapped both of his arms around her and held her as tightly as he could without risk of waking her, his eyes closed as he memorized the feeling of her in his arms. He wanted this moment to last, as he knew it might very well be the last such moment they would ever have with one another.

After a while, he carefully slipped out of her embrace and made his way to the door, pausing and looking back at her sleeping form one final time. She would likely hate him for sneaking out, but he would rather she hated him for that than risk things going too far, come morning. For the second time, he felt his heart breaking as he left her room, the unsaid words echoing in his head with each step he took away from her.

_I love you, too, Adeline._

* * *

Fenris opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling above his bed once more, his vision blurry. Reaching up with one hand, he wiped at his eyes and was slightly taken aback to find that he had started crying at some point as he thought about the events of the evening. He tightened his hand into a fist, crushing the tears against his palm and digging his fingernails in deep to remind himself of why he needed to keep her at a distance: pain.

Yes, staying apart from her was causing them both pain, but the pain they would experience if they were to remain together would be even worse. Perhaps when Danarius was finally dead and gone, he would be able to reconsider his decision to leave her – if she would still have him. Then they would be free to love each other and not have to worry about her being taken and tortured to get back at him for defying his master. It was a nice thought, but it was one he would have to keep locked away in the back of his mind. For now, he would keep his distance and prevent himself from being alone with her so as not to temp him into breaking his oath.

A part of him – a _much_larger part than he would have liked – still mourned losing her, though. He knew he would spend countless nights lying alone in his bed, wishing she was next to him, craving the feel of her body, the warmth of her skin... needing her kisses, her caresses, the sound of her breathy moans in his ears. He would have to keep those feelings reigned in as tightly as possible, however. For now, it would all have to be nothing more than a dream, a perfect fantasy in which he would never have to leave her side again, for he refused to take her to bed again or even continue in their romantic relationship until he could make her such a promise.

Fenris let out a heavy sigh, his eyes falling closed once more, and resolved to keep those desires locked safely away until the day he could promise himself wholly to her. When that day came, he prayed she would respond in kind and they would both get to be happy, for once in their lives.

"Maybe someday," he wistfully muttered into the emptiness around him before allowing himself to fall into the first of many dreams he would have about his beloved Hawke over the next three years.


End file.
